north brook

2009-10-18T02:12:00.002+05:30

Diwali:

I stand in my balcony and look down at the celebration of the festival of light and sound, with a greater emphasis on the later. I stand and cringe in apprehension as another cracker is about to fulfill its destiny.

What I see is not a group of kids none of whose names I know.. What I see is like a flashback of my own days. I am none of them, yet all of them at the same time.

It’s amazing this amazing festival has lost none of its holds in the years that have gone by.

Not much seems to have change, except of course the variety and “loudness” of the fire crackers. The groupings of kids are still the same. The youngest, along with their dads, while their mom’s look apprehensively at the whole thing from their balconies.

The slightly elder one, are in transition, so they want their dad’s support only in the form of their presence, and do not want them to fuss over them, because that would ruin their “reputation”. Even their dad’s are in transition, the expression on their face varies from concern to proud look, depending on the distance of their kids from the crackers.

The next group are completely on their own, their dad’s are no longer worried about them, their mom’s however still sneak in a quick peek from the balcony… that’s how mom’s are I guess.

Sorry forgot to mention the about the grouper, which is slightly younger than the youngest, well they just run back and forth with either their dad or elder sibling burst the crackers..

At one layer there is hardly any similarity in the days from my childhood and now, yet in another it’s as if nothing has changed.

One thing that has changed though is that somehow, the sounds of firecrackers have become noise from what they used to be to my ears.. music.

With that thought I make my way back to the balcony to breathe in smell in the air which can best be described as an “aftertaste” of crackers’ bursting or may be just as the smell form my “childhood”…

2009-10-04T23:39:00.001+05:30

Entering a new phase of my life. There are lots of things that I am expecting from this phase of my life. One of the most critical though is the search to know myself… a little better at least

For most of my growing up years, this quest did not even feature in my to do list, but lately this question has been bothering me.

Not really sure why, may be because lately haven’t been myself.

2009-10-04T23:35:00.000+05:30

What do you do when you have to choose between the people you love and yourself? Theoretically one does not choose between options, rather the choice is of the “results” that the decision will lead to.

And it is this fact that makes this choice a difficult, because irrespective of what you choose, you still lose. Why? Well because in this decision you either end up hurting or hating yourself.

If you choose yourself, sooner or later you’ll hate yourself for being selfish, and on the flip side you’ll end up hurting yourself. But if you choose, the one’s you love, going ahead you could have the fulfilling experience of seeing them happy..

That’s why these decisions are though, well I guess that’s the underlying characteristics of decisions: they are though.. I mean, they wouldn’t be allowed to hold on to their “qualifications” of being “decisions” if they weren’t tough… guess we all have to do what we are meant to do.

I hope I am making the right choices…

2009-08-28T10:23:00.001+05:30

Memories…

There is something strange about memories, not all but those which you share with others. When you have a memory of the times that you have spent with another person… you tend to cherish these only as long as present relationship is good..

The day the current state of the relationship take a wrong turn, you are suddenly left with lot of memory which becomes a burden.

What is weird is that the past is known to have its impact on the future, which is realized when the future turns into present. (read again, it does make sense J )

But imagine, the present making an impact on the past… to make it more comical or dramatic (take your pick).. in absolute terms the present, is actually the future when the point of reference is the past.

So a future event may have enough impact radius to affect the past.. think about it…

But strange as things are.. it can only impact it in a bad manner… not sure whether that is a design issue, or just the problem of the actors within..

Because suddenly one of our relationship becomes valuable, it somehow fails to sweeten the memories that we might carry from the past of this relationship.

I have no idea whether am writing utter nonsense, or have I never made more sense.

The problem lies in constraint of not having enough guts to write the root of the thought, because I may not be ready to face the clear shape of this vague thought.. A thought that I want to run away from, at least till am ready to face it.

Sundays

2009-07-19T12:50:00.000+05:30

Over the years Sundays have always been very different. There is an entire album memories attached to Sundays. From “jungle jungle phul khila hai” to sleeping till 1 pm and getting up only because the previous week’s clothes were screaming for a wash. From waiting the entire week for the special Sunday lunch to having wada pao (no one served lunch by the time we walked out of home)…

From sitting till late night to finish homework to watching late night movies and then catching the first train for lonavala to have tea,,,

They have all been very different yet very similar… “same difference” as one of my friend would put it..

Today is another Sunday, but there is something different about this one.. something is urging me to flip through the dust laden yet fresh memories of my childhood..

Those Sundays were different, they were special and precious.. and I always thought it was because they were so “eventful”..

Mornings usually meant going to get breakfast with dad, kachori, aloo ki sabzi with jalibi ; so sweet that I can still taste them and the colour seemed like someone had spilled water on a water paint of a sunset..

After breakfast a “grueling” Sunday awaited me.. it would generally consist of a thorough cleaning of the inverter batteries.. The simple task of cleaning them made me so “responsible” and left me feeling good if at the end of it dad acknowledged it is as a good job..

This would generally lead to dad and me spending good amount of time tending to the gardens (flower in the front and vegetables at the back)..

I have never found that kind of pleasure in working and working hard… since then.. there was something about those hours in the sun, something about seeing the flowers bloom.. something about matching the amount of work dad put in.. something about that Sunday “job” satisfaction that an air conditioned office, laptop and salary on the last working day of every the month have never been able to match since..

Any way the gardening stint usually led into a break (spelt “cricket”) for me when dad made his way to cook the “special” mutton curry.. I just need to close my eyes and I can still feel the aroma making me breath deep to take in the most that I could of that “taste”…

The lunch would give away to a very deserving siesta.. Evenings would generally be spent on shopping for the coming week…

I really miss those Sunday’s today… there was something in those Sunday’s that I can no longer replicate.. Today when I look back.. there was actually only one thing special about those Sundays…just one..

I got to spend an entire day with dad… yes that was all that turned those “days” into “Sundays”…

The next morning..

2009-07-15T19:59:00.000+05:30

The night would give in to the daybreak as usual..

The birds would get out of their slumber with their chirps as usual

The kids would again be coaxed on their way to school as usual

The milk man would keep the milk in the carry bag hanging from my door as usual

The news paper guy will slide in the news paper under the door as usual

The house help would ring the door bell at precisely 8am as usual

The old couple will be going for their morning walk (if the rains don’t play spoilsport) as usual

The “gang” of car washers will go around doing their job as usual

Life will go on as usual..

But things will never be the same ever again…

just anoter day...

2009-06-01T00:34:00.002+05:30

Have you ever tried to hold on to a cube of ice for long? Do you know what happens? (ya.. apart from it melting..)

Well it leaves your palm feeling numb..

Numb is described as (among other synonyms) “unfeeling”... weird isn’t it, that a “feeling” is described as “lack of feeling”

I feel like I have been hugged by a giant snowman… and once the initial chill passed away I was just left feeling… numb… ya I guess that’s the closest that I’ll ever get to describing the feeling of being empty or hollow…

It’s as if you have been robbed of the ability of feeling anything.

When I was young I had once broken my arm and I had to been given anesthesia before it could be straightened out. Just before passing out, I remember looking at my arm, I knew it was paining but I couldn’t feel anything..

It’s very close to that, just that when I couldn’t feel my arm it left me feeling relieved, but right now it is this feeling of numbness that is hurting the most.

It’s weird, how it I find it difficult to use my own bag of words to describe my own feelings..

So much for my attempt to be positive… but yes I have always believed it to be better to face your feelings than delude yourself in trying to see the positive side of things and moving on..

It like when you get hurt, if you haven’t felt the pain in its completeness and try moving on ignoring it, it always returns to hurt even more..

The one thing that I have always tired is to be true to myself, except now, when I often find myself lying to me..

I really want to be myself again…

2009-05-25T00:58:00.002+05:30

Surreal, is one word which for some reason has always fascinated me, it basically just means something that is out of the normal.

Anyway it’s been really long since I last wrote, not because I didn’t have anything to write rather there was so much that my writing skills conceded defeat even before making an attempt to capture its true essence.

The reason?.. well lot of things happening in my life has been so surreal (had to use it) ,that the “unexpected” has become the way of life.

Another reason that have stayed away from writing, is (I guess) highlighted in the above statements, it is my inability to tilt my thinking towards the positive side of things…

Been finding it very difficult to fool myself. It’s not that I don’t want to see the positive side of things, but that I don’t want to give myself any false hope.

There are very few things that I have valued in life, and hence they mean a really lot.. When you have very few things that mean something to you, more often than not, you can put forth a formidable defense to whatever life throws at you.. but then as is the nature of things on the flip side when you are close to losing one or all of those few things that mean everything in life.. you have this weird hollow feeling within you..

It is a very different feeling, one that I have just not been able give shape using the keys that are at my disposal..

It is a feeling, which is a mix of the way you feel when you start descending on the giant wheel, and when someone has robbed you of your favorite memories..

Questions Vs Answers....

2009-02-26T00:22:00.004+05:30

Answers or solutions, they materialize to quench the thirst caused by a “question” or a query. I have grown up in admiration of people of could "answer", whether it was guy in school, or that girl in college… there was always someone who had the answers.

But recently I have stated the admiring the people on the either side of the fence…Yes those asking the "questions". For I feel, a question requires far more leavers of the brain to operate in a perfect co-ordination. On the other hand an “answer” asks far fewer questions to the brain.

There will be arguments that were the scholars scientists less “brainy” for they did come out with the answers after all.. Well my arguments is simple, I feel they might have earned their place in the history because of the answers they gave, but it was thirst of answers in other words the “questions” that lead them there.. For it required a person to question “is the world really flat?” for him to find out that it is not…

After all a answer(in most cases) requires a person to remember something, so it actually only taxes the “memory” part of our brains.. For questions on the other hand, a person has to “think”…

An “activity” that I feel our generation is going all out to avoid. And this lack of exercise is having its expected effect in our mental health… it is losing its fitness…

I feel it is best described by the song “socha hai” from the movie rock on.. which goes like.. Socha hai??? Socha nahi to socho ABHI!!!!..

Yes we need to start to think and ask questions..

For learning can ensure “answers” but it is only “questions” that can ensure Learning…

2009-02-26T00:13:00.001+05:30

Why is that we realize our shortcomings when we most need them..

You realize inadequacy of your vocabulary when you most need to express yourself.

You notice the void caused by the luck that’s deserted you, when you desperately need the luck…

You wake up to your loss of faith, when you really need that strength which only faith can serve you..

You realize you are low on confidence, when the time demands you to prove yourself…

You mark the limit of your patience, when the times are really testing…

You realize you are alone, all alone when you are craving to have people around, have someone around…..someone

2009-02-15T00:29:00.000+05:30

There are thoughts:

Unexpressed, unrealized, uncultivated

But they still run wild

There is fear:

Unaccepted, avoided, unknown

But they still scare..

There is hope:

Unsaid, bottled up,

It still surges up..

There is pain:

Hidden, tolerated, with held

It still hurts

There are expectations:

Miniscule, runoff the mill, filtered,

Nonetheless; they are there

There are feelings

Held back, turned away, tucked away, reasoned with, fought against

They still exist, they still haunt, they still ask questions..

I try..

I fail, I fall, I disappoint, I hurt..

But am trying, am trying..

letting go..

2009-02-13T23:21:00.000+05:30

It’s very difficult to let go of those you love, those you need, those you give a reason to your existence. Somehow though life, circumstances conspires to take them away from you.. and sometimes (not sure whether fortunately or unfortunately) life snatches them away..

But there are times when it just informs you of the loss that you’ll meet and then stand back and watches how you deal with it. Oh am sure it has the best seat in the house a basket of popcorns and a smirk on its face..

That is when our test begins, it is a weird test. Weird because in every test you want to score for yourself.. in this one though you have to chose, for the more strongly you cling on to these people the more you hurt them.

These are the people who mean the most to you, but the harder you hold on to them, the more you’ll end up suffocating them. It is like giving a hug, it has to have the amount of warmth, and last for the precise moments.. because every extra second you hold on, adds to every extra second of “difficultness”.

So just let go when the time comes, that is the best thing that you can do for them. Don’t make things more difficult for them, for if they were your world, it is obvious you meant something to them.. so don’t question their grief..

It’s like destiny is trying to pull away a rope from you; the very rope that hold your life together. So you try to cling on to it.. you are fighting with destiny.. but what about the rope? J yes you are hurting it, so just let go.. the longer you cling on the more you hurt the rope.. and if you really hold on more too long.. then that same rope will cut through your skin.. its not the ropes fault it had no option, destiny is too strong..

So please don’t blame the rope for hurting you, because it had absolutely no intentions… let go…

But there is a catch, you shouldn’t be so nonchalant that the other person feels he/she didn’t mean anything to you.. So the challenge is in striking the correct balance..

It’s tough, but am failing and learning.. I have never had issues failing, always believed it to be a part of the learning curve. But in this I detest failing as it directly proportionate to the amount those I am trying to cling to..

Letting, not easy, but necessary not for you maybe but for those you love..

Day after tomorrow…

2009-02-12T01:29:00.002+05:30

Live in today.. that seems to be the mantra of sure shot happiness… I for one, though not disagreeing with the success rate of the formula, haven’t been an avid follower of the philosophy.

I strongly believe, that today is a meaningless series of breathing in and breathing out, and a word that truly describes it would be “survive” rather than “live”. Live I feel is a much deeper word, a word that personifies and not just means “LIFE”.

But this thought was mainly based on my need for things to have “meanings” (that’s the stuff you don’t find in Govinda movies). I was ok, being a little sad, but I wanted to understand it… Similarly if I am happy I want to experience it not just "be" happy.. because “being” happy can happen without a yesterday or a tomorrow. But in order to truly understand and hence experience the happiness there has to be a past no matter how dark and a tomorrow no matter how uncertain.

I am happy for those who have mastered the art of living for the moment, but I don’t envy them. In fact sometimes feel sorry for them.. For they miss the memories of yesterday and the promises of tomorrow.

I find the cost of living with a past, looking for a tomorrow..i.e at times being sad, to be very reasonable…

Any way there are times, when even if you live in today, things can get very bad (I should know). I am sacred of my todays, and am apprehensive of my tomorrow. The thing that keeps me going these days, is the past. Yes it is the past that, stops me from waving the white flag (not sure who am fighting though).

I used to feel the fight is against life, but then that’s logically impossible, because life is the superset and am just a subset of it. Or rather life is the battle field.. you fight your battles in battle not against the battle field right???

But then is it a series of fights punctuated with defeats and triumphs? or is it just a journey, whose current stretch is a little bumpy… or maybe it is a journey and one too many of the people I love are getting off in the next station.. Some with whom I might have another journey( the hope is what, helps me to keep being a traveller), others with whom this is my last journey.

Not sure, sometimes even a thorough understanding of the problem does not harvest into a solution, it just leaves you with a feeling of helplessness.

Anyway coming back to the topic of the yesterday, today, tomorrow… I just realized that right now it is not just the past that is keeping me going. Nor is the tomorrow, for my today will surely leave me with a tainted tomorrow.. it is in fact the something that people don’t often talk about.. it is the “day after tomorrow”.. in fact with out a day after tomorrow, it would be very difficult, for whilst people wait " for things to get better with time" for it with time things will only get worse.. i.e without the day after tomorrow...

Yes for me the light at the end of the tunnel is being held by the person called day after tomorrow..

...

2009-02-11T00:07:00.000+05:30

My first book was Mr. Nobody by Enid Blyton. In the book the main character (Mr. Nobody) had the power to disappear.. so the book was a series of events where Mr. Nobody uses this power to help others…

I then started reading famous five series another group of kids to which Enid Blyton breathed air. I was a part of their adventures, their troubles, triumphs..

Next inline was the Hrady boys, where Frank and Joe replaced the innocence with style and sophistication. So on one hand where the famous five had a lot that I could identify with, the Hardy boys resonated the life style that impressed me no end.. they knew how to drive, use guns and oh yes, they had girl friends…

Then through bookshelf of other authors I lived my teens… All the authors and their books and their characters kept me entrained through my growing years..

As I grew up I appreciated the authors that suited my interest, which was complicated calculation of what I understood, what my friends were reading, and what was available in our town.

But as I grew, I kind of grew out of those authors who introduced me to this world of magic called reading. I mean when I was reading Sir Jeffrey Archer (amazing guy, wrote three bestseller even while he was in prison), I kind of looked down on hardy boys.. though if I ever saw a kid, with one of those series, it never failed to bring a smile that was of recognizing they joy I had had reading those..

Its like hand me downs, though you would never want to wear those again, see a younger brother/sister or anyone wearing those, never failed to manufacture that smile?

But recently I have been missing Mr.Nobody. I don’t know why, but I feel like reading that book again, but am scared, what if I don’t like that book, what if I find it silly.. it will completely ruin my memory.. and am not ready to do that..

Sometimes we should let memories be just that memories, it can be fatal for that memory if you want to relieve it.. but again there are time when you add more by reliving them..

But for now I’ll avoid taking that chance, am too scared to remove the dust from the frame, for the fear of finding a picture underneath that I might not be able to identify..

Hurt: it’s weird how only the one who you love and value and make you aware of the feeling…. A person who has no values in your life can never really hurt you in the true sense of the word (feeling)..

a snapshot of my confused head... positing the developed version.. the negative was too personal..

2009-02-09T00:02:00.001+05:30

What makes me write? Is it because I want other people to know my feelings/opinions? Or is it because am such big fan of “reading” that I make such a horrible attempt to pay my tribute to those great writers.

The ones who have helped me travel not just places but thoughts without as much as moving a muscle. But what I owe them the most for is help me keep thinking…. An activity that I see becoming as uncommon as commonsense ..

Or is it because, I feel it is one of the most powerful channels of expression possessed by the us (read: human beings)….

Or is it because, so that I can hide behind my own expressions, such expressed that they say far less than what they are meant to.

It is weird how, our own words are unable infuse life to our own feelings… Sometimes though I feel it is our fear to see our feeling in black and white makes us feign a crisis in our vocabulary. Otherwise it really does not make sense; how can one not do justice to one’s own feeling.

I sometimes wonder, about this concept of blog (strangely it still does not appear in a dictionary). It is actually a short form of Web Log. In other words, it is log book that one maintains in the internet.. Strange this modern-day incarnation of a “personal diary” has nothing personal about it..

Or is it that it really doesn’t make a difference, if your thoughts and feelings are read by some who doesn’t know you..

It’s like you can’t get naked in at home or with people around who you know.. but you have no issues to lose your clothes in a place where no one knows you…

So you are ok, if someone reads your thoughts/feelings and treats them like just a piece of writhing, but you are not ok if people who actually care read it…

I guess, we humans like mysteries so much because we are the best personification, but a little adulterated with melodrama…

If what you read doesn’t make sense or seems unorganized.. well it means I have ctrl+c and ctl+v my mind without using the same mind to make sense of it…

collecting: memories..

2009-02-08T02:44:00.000+05:30

Things will never be the same again, well they never are. But the changes this time around are harder to adjust to. This might be because; these changes are more permanent in nature. Or maybe because the people involved matter so much.

I can’t fight the change nor can I change the change. In fact there are aspects of these changes that I don’t want to change for they might be for the best. Who am I to judge? with my biases and selfishness…

All I (why does “I” have to be caps, why so much importance?) want to do is create archive of memories, which I can browse thorough. An archive which will keep me going… Is that too much to ask for? Maybe not, but then again; what if this archive I want to create leads to their discomfort. Then I don’t want to collect these memories, for every time I look back,, they would be tainted with their discomfort.

So is there no way I can make a collage that I want to hold close to my heart, without having to paste the pictures with the pain (for the lack of a better word) of those who make these memories complete..

Why do end up asking for too much?

speed breakers

2009-02-08T02:14:00.004+05:30

Speed breakers…. As the name suggests are meant to break the speed that is normal.

They tell you that you need to slow down; they tell you that you are going too fast….

I feel that they actually mean much more, I feel they kind of make you realize how smooth the road was before… and just in case you were too engrossed in driving and forgot to acknowledge that… the speed breaker makes you do that.

Moreover, once you cross them and see the next stretch, you kind of start afresh no matter how small the speed breaker or how short the next stretch is… you suddenly appreciate the next stretch much more…

Similarly when we are sad in life, it is our wish to treat it as an activity without a past or a future. Or we can see it as a reminder that how good life was before and be more appreciative of the future, smooth stretch..

I try my best to look at the troughs of life in that manner.. just that that right now it feels am travelling on speed breakers and not a road at all… it gets too much at times. …

questions...

2009-02-05T23:24:00.000+05:30

There are questions that must be asked,

There are questions that need to be asked,

There are questions that call for answers..

There are questions that demand to be answered,

There are question that answer themselves,

There are questions that lead to questions…

There are questions that are best unanswered…

All the above variety of questions have their own importance and life span.. and depending on the situation, can become useless to very delicate……

But there is another variety, which I feel is unique as it is against the very philosophy of “questions” ..

These are those that are best “unasked”… yes it is ironical: I mean wasn’t the main purpose of the existence of question was to be “asked”? … it may or may not have got an answer.. but didn’t every question have its uncontestable right to be asked???

Well unfortunately this breed of questions are best robbed of those rights… because they can lead to nothing but to the pain/discomfort of both; the person who asks and the one who it is posed to..

Hence it is best that this breed does not see the light of the day… it must die premature death.. robbed of its purpose of existence….

It is an art though, and only the very few who are really strong and selfless in the true sense of the word can manage to practice it..

I am trying my best, but am still dog paddling at the shallow end.. but am determined to learn and practice it, for I can not see the pain it causes to the people I love the most..

I sincerely apologize, for all the times that I have slipped.. but hope and pray that they won’t lose their patience and run out of their love for me.. while I am still struggling in the shallow end….

the choice....

2009-02-05T17:59:00.000+05:30

There are times, when you desperately want to be yourself… and then you realize that those you love, those who mean the most…. Need you to be around for them..

And then, who you chose.. Yourself or them.. defines how much they mean to you..

didn't have enough

2009-02-02T23:44:00.000+05:30

i really wanted to trade hapiness.

there is friend of mine who means a lot. she hasn't been happy lately, not really sad may be, but not happy either... so i went to this place, where i had heard if one were ready to give up his/her happiness, they could in exchange give some happiness to who ever you wanted to..

but they said i didn't have them enough to trade..... so i couldn't do anything.. really wanted to but fell short..

sorry..

this person i know...

2009-02-01T18:13:00.001+05:30

there is this person I know; actually known him practically all my life. As a kid I used to hero worship him, and now I have nothing but admiration for him..

he has lead a full life; ups & downs; success& failure (not in my eyes though); right decision & mistakes; in short like I said a full life.

Any way, now this person has retired and lives very near me. He is one of those person who loves to talk… talk to every one, the society guard, the grocery shop owner, the flower vendor, the vegetable vendor, the chicken shop and the mutton shop owners.. yes every one.

And even though, sometimes they don’t understand each other (different mother tongues) this person’s enthusiasm always ensures that the conversation does not take a break….

I have sometimes, been to these places with him… it generally takes twice as long as it would if I went alone to do the chores.. but with him it’s a different experience altogether..

These entire exercises of going out and getting something is punctuated with every human being we meet on the way… from the society guard to little kid on the road and the ultimate destination…

The same “events” would replicate them selves on the way back…

What amazed me, was the genuine simplicity of these human interactions/feeling that this person was able to bring out in everyone around..

There seemed to be unique & genuine warmth in every greeting that was exchanged between this person and his “friends”.

These people seemed truly happy when this person came in and for a change treated them like people with feelings and not just some guy over the counter; whom you hand over the money and get your thing. ..

There are times when I go alone, and not once has it happened that these people haven’t enquired about the person.. this never failed to amaze me..

Any way as life would have it, now this person has to leave.. he will be going way on some project and never return, Not sure when, but the “organization” who will decide are rather strict. They would expect him to leave on the very day that they decide..

So am sure he will not get a chance to say “good bye” to all his “friends”…

I will really miss him a lot once he leaves… there is a lot I have learnt from him, and there is so much more.. but with the current situation am not sure if I’ll get time.. I just hope I get chance to thank him from what he has been in my life.. the amount he has done for me.. I really love him a lot…

Any way, why I wrote this blog was to pose to question (to no one particular).

the question is, when he finally leaves, will his vendor friends even realize that he has left? will they also miss him?… will they at least notice his absence?… or will he be just forgotten…. Will they spare a single thought for this person?

or will I be alone, when I grieve his absence..

a cup of coffe...

2009-01-31T19:56:00.000+05:30

coffee is one of those things, that is really able to lift my mood...

this is why i always felt great after my trips to a CCD or Barista or Zest (a local cafe, which for a better part of my college served as my home, and the place i payed rent for, played the role of "second home"..

Even today i had been to one the coffee joints, and as usual felt great... but for some reason while driving back i just thought; is it the coffee? or is it the company? that lifeted my mood..

and that's when it dawned on me.. that it has always been the company actually.. the coffee of course would win the "best actor in the supporting role" award hands down..

but the real star was the company...

just like today, my ... there are these people, mere thought of whom, bring a smile to your face.

and there is no other example better than my company today..

So today i say sorry to two people...

Coffee: For i today am taking away the center stage from it, of being my stress buster

My Companies: for not giving them the acknowledgement they deserved....

Managing expectations.. the one’s you have from your self..

2009-01-31T01:39:00.001+05:30

The other day, I heard my team member’s discussing the contents of a program called “Customer’s Expectations Management”… the program aimed at teaching the participants how to understand and manage customer expectations.

What stuck me odd was, there was logical approach to managing something as abstract as Expectations?? This is where is feel that irrespective of whether management is a art or a science, that fact that it is damn powerful becomes pretty apparent.

But then, can these people also teach us how to manage our expectations?? What we expect from people around us? What we expect from our lives?? And the most difficult thing, can it teach me how I mange the expectations I have from my self..

I expect my self to be strong when, even after my bet efforts I feel weak at times,… is there a program, that’ll teach me not to consider it as failure??

I expect things from the one’s I love, in spite of knowing how it is almost impossible from them to live up to those? And in the in end make them feel bad, and ,my self guilty and selfish, can this is be taught how to mange???

The only type of expectations that never bothered me, was the one’s others had from me. On the contrary, it gives me strength.. the thought of no one expecting any thing from me is so scary.. I mean what is one worth then??

Not expecting much help from management, guess will have to deal with this my self.

But I will; not because I want to but because I have to.. I can’t see the pain in the eyes of people, when unwittingly I end up conveying how they have not met my expectations.. no matter nhow infrequent or trivial these might be.. after all these are the people who constitute the world that matters to me.. the rest is just for aesthetic value, not some thing I care for.

Moreover I strongly believe that if I do manage to do this, it is a sure shot path to happiness.

So while I try to mange my expectations, a sincere apology to all of you, whom I have failed in their expectations from me..

not worth a title...

2009-01-30T00:25:00.000+05:30

There is one category of people whom I have failed to understand, or rather relate to:- Self centered or selfish people. Some how I feel really bad for them, for I feel they miss the greatest joy possible. That of seeing or making some one else happy. I mean isn’t it an amazingly fulfilling experience; that some thing that you did (may be against your wishes) led to bringing a smile on another person.

You may not even see that smile, but you just know that yes right now the person would have a smile on their face and fell happy that they have you as person in their life.

In fact I am still ok with selfish people, for they are those people who are just bothered with their own life. A selfish person is one seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being. Self-centered people are slightly different. A self-centered person will see himself as the focal point (the center) of everything around. They tend to talk mainly about their lives and anything else matters very little. They are so focused in trying to see everything from their point of view, they even miss the joy that other are trying to show.

And it is strange how many of these type of people one gets to meet on one’ life. It is almost as if this was first batch after GOD discovered the “mass production” method… and no wonder he must have stopped the idea and reverted back to whatever his/her older methods were….But may be a little to late..

Any way don’t really want to dwell on this more much longer. But just want to thank, that I have some wonderful people around me. People for whom I would go any length to bring and ensure that the smile stays with them

I would like to thank to give me an opportunity to experience the special feeling of making some one else happy, even at the cost of your wish. And you’ll know what I mean for its strange that even though you have gone against your wish, yet leaves you feeling happy…truely happy

Happiness (borrowed):

2009-01-29T01:43:00.000+05:30

No I didn’t borrow happiness, just borrowed the title, or to be precise the “thought”. Though come to think of it, I do owe an immense amount of my happiness to her…

Any way that was just to explain the title. Now here is my attempt to do justice what I feel is one of the toughest things to write on and in the end feel happy about with the result. And I have added pressure… (its borrowed remember? So really have to give it my best).

I had this feeling that the definition of happiness changes with time.. but now I feel it is not the definition but our perception of happiness, of what makes us happy & what does not - is what changes.

Back in college days, when there were days at end when I did nothing.. (attendance in college is not something that would categorize as “something”) I felt happy. But today sitting idle irritates me

There was a time when we were happy with the mere fact that we have clothes on us, then our clothes needed to be nice and trendy to make us happy, then they needed to be branded to make us happy… and now more than what we are wearing it is how much more we have in our wardrobe that makes us feel happy or sad…....

I now feel that happiness is a function of will, you are happy if you want to be… that’s it. Sounds strange but this is actually one thing that is completely in our hand… its we who “choose” to be not happy at times..

Because every circumstance, gives us an option of happily accepting it or unhappily accept it..

so it strange on how though we cant change the bottom line (accept the circumstance) we yet chose a medium (unhappiness) which would the acceptance of the bottom line more difficult….

There one more thing that I have noticed, that when we are not happy more often than not we are sad. The same though is not true other way round… I hear people say “no I am not sad.. but am not exactly happy either” it is as if we are scared to be happy.. I mean wasn’t happy the opposite of sad.. but it seems it only holds true in the reverse order..

Not sure if am making sense so, before I do more injustice to the borrowed thought I’ll end it.. will give it another try some other day and write just about happiness…. And nothing about its opposite

PS: tom& Jerry, FRIENDS, and time with friends especially those who mean the world to you like the one I borrowed the topic from, never fail to make me happy…. thanks to them, I could write the post script.

the walk to the ice cream parlour

2009-01-27T00:35:00.000+05:30

the other night (December 19th) after finishing my dinner, i went out to get ice cream. it is a chore that i really enjoy doing for obvious reason.

the walk to the parlour is a very short one and is really pleasant in the Pune night weather, though not as pleasant as it used to be.. (may be one of these days I would write about that) .

Any way, so why am I writing about this particular day? well because, that night on my way to the parlor and return I noticed something, every household I crossed which had its television on, was tuned in to watch the swearing in ceremony of the US President, even the television in the parlor was tuned into the some channel telecasting the ceremony…

What struck me odd was, why was every one so interested in the swearing in ceremony of the US president, well undoubtedly India, like many other country is deeply impacted by what US does, but am sure those impacts are more due to the economic and political and other policies. But I have this feeling that a majority of those wanting the ceremony had no clue whatsoever of what the new US government’s stand on such issues would be.. and I can’t blame them, for am sure a lot of them would struggle to name our own president.

The question is then why was every television tuned into watch that? Was it because of the performances leading to the ceremony? Or was it the fact that every single news channel had nothing else…

Or was it something to do with the winning of the underdog, the making of history, the first coloured president of the US? I really don’t know, because none of them make sense, none of them to my mind justify the curiosity or the enthusiasm in India (rather a small society in Pune)…

Well any way, am sure people had their reason and I am no one to question them. The observation had actually got archived, till yesterday morning (Jan 26^th) our society had arranged for a flag hoisting ceremony at 8 am and it was attended by a mere 20-25 odd people… (there are approx 160 apartment in the society).

This attendance is what got the observation out of the archive… and left me as confused as before…

why is it that we can watch the US president being sworn in and can’t attend the flag hoisting ceremony on the Republic day of OUR, country…

Could it be because, it could not be done in the comfort of our homes like watching the swearing in ceremony? and needed us to physically come out… was it too much physical work…. ???

the catch

2009-01-20T23:54:00.000+05:30

it was one of those winter days, when the sun seems pleasant on your face and arms, after you have spent a long time inside a class. The pay ground was filled with kids aged 5 to 8. They were busy playing, eating, getting hurt, crying, bulling, complaining, running around as if their life dependent on it. Basically it was just another lunch break in a school which is more famous than the town it is located in....
Amongst these kids there was a group of kids (an entire class actually) who seemed a like they already had a purpose in life at the age of 8. They of course were unaware of it at that time (it took another 16 odd years and numerous trip down the memory lane to realize that). it was actually the purpose if their class teacher that reflected on the behavior of these kids. He had these unique ways of teaching, bonding with his students that made him stand out and have 100%loyalty of his students. Lot of those kids hero worshiped this teacher of theirs.
Any way getting back to the purpose, well their purpose was a result of the cricket tournament that was underway. The matches were played during these lunch breaks. i can't recall the schedule of the that day, nor the exact details, but one thing that I remember very clearly is the catch.
One of the players, in fact he was the best player, was having a blast with the bat as usual at the expense of the other team. There seemed to be no stopping the kid. however when he skied one of his shots, no one from either team actually even saw it as a chance, but the wicket keeper of the opposition who also happened to be one of the best friends of the batsman had other thoughts. Well to be honest, his first thought was, that there was no way that he was catching it without having to give a full bodied dive, which meant soiling the clothes, and that might make his mom unhappy (though to be fair, his mom never said anything for such issues).
any way he decided that he had to give it honest try... and ran to his left from about 15 yards and dived...he wasn't sure if he had caught it, till his teammates decided to celebrate the catch as if it has a goal in the soccer match. When the kid got up he wasn't sure whether the dive or his team mates had hurt him more.. but he couldn't care less, it was not only the best catch of the tournament but also the best of his life. it was not best because of its difficulty, nor because he had given his team a chance to get back into the match, frankly he doesn't even remember whether they won the match or lost it. it was the best, because his teacher his hero, came running to him and said it was a great catch. Moreover the next day when one of his teacher's friends had come over to watch a match, he told his friend about the wonderful catch that this kid had taken and introduced the kid to his friend as the wonder wicket keeper. The kid was never happier...
The catch also won him the best wicket keeper award, the award was significant because it created an identity for the kid an gave him a sense of confidence which was completely lacking. No, the kid did not grow up to be MSD, but yes he did become the captain of one of the four house of the school... the kid, now grown up, lost in the rat race of life, would still love to thank his class three sec-c class teacher. The teacher may not realize the difference he made; the kid though still owes his confidence to that teacher. Even today when he confronts his conscience, at least he is happy that he is still giving his 100%, just like he gave in that catch.. sometimes he falters, but then he remember how happy it had made his teacher and then he again get back to giving 100%.
There are other people, teacher who left such long lasting impressions on his life… but more of that some other day… today is dedicated to that class III teacher.
Thank you sir